I have been having the shittiest week. Come to think of it, I'm been having the shittiest year. In September, I quit my job because a supervisor was harassing me and decided to quit rather than rat him out. In the past 6 months, I have been a Cable Salesman, a cashier, a Warehouse guy, a Security Guard and a IT specialist...and I have sucked at all of these jobs.
Money's been non-existent. Í had to leave my apartment, and sell most of my shit and move in with my little brother (whose 20, how lame is that?) I haven't gone to the movies or even rented one since last year. And movies are one of the few loves I have. I can't even afford those Video Vending Machines that are a dollar a night. Lame. I even had to sell my satellite dish, so I'm totally forced to watch my favorite shows buffering into eternity on the internet. Shitty connection pwns me.
One of my other loves is music. So it would be fitting that my iPod fell off a second story building and cracked open. Even more fitting, my hard drive went kaput and I lost my ENTIRE mp3 library. Plus, my brother (a music teacher) thinks I'm a terrible singer. Yeah I know. Lame. The other thing that was a girl. But more on her later.
I am also $1500 in debt because I was unemployed for 2 months and had to pay all my bills and fix my car (yay Volvo) with my fuckin high-interest Citibank card. I was expecting some federal money that was owed to me that would've helped me pay it off and I just found out it's been delayed indenifitely. Sigh.
Even with 'American Idol' i'm unlucky. Every single contestant I liked has been eliminated. Josiah Leming, gone. Danny Noriega, gone. Chikezie, gone. Harley nurse chick, gone. I'm scared to like anyone else because they'll be gone as well. BTW, it's David Cook and Jason Castro so you know they won't make it either, sigh.
It pretty much feels like I'm been having the shittiest life, and I can't even feel bad about it without coming off as a douche (which I probably do). I dunno, it's kinda like an internal thing. I just wake up and all my failures are sitting there on my bed just waiting for me to get up and start another massive FAIL of a day.
Sometimes I look at happy people and want to punch them in the face. It's kinda 'Default'in my brain. 'What do these assholes have that I don't?" Well they probably have a good health plan and can afford their Prozac for one. Most likely they just see life as one big party and to live life to the fullest, or so the commercials tell me.
Enough of my bitching, the reason I started this blog is NOT because I hate my life (oddly enough, I love my life. I'm been really blessed with family and friends) but because I hate the fact that I can't shake this feeling that I'll continue to fail at everything I do in life.
Basically I just want to know if there is anyway for a person like me to ever really win? And by 'win' I mean wake up in the morning and know that even if something doesn't go your way in life, you tried and you should be proud you did. To know that there are still good people on this God-forsaken planet even though it gets increasingly difficult to find them. And that this Life-Long slump of mine will, sooner or later, end.
I am one big massive FAIL. And yet I can't stop hoping and looking forward for the day that life (such a cruel whore) will throw me a bone. I guess I'm just pessimistically optimistic. Lame, sigh. lol
Thursday, April 10, 2008
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